by Stephen Melton | June 23, 2009
After being a minister for 24 years, I came up with guidelines for Healthy Conflict I give to couples. Some of these you would have seen before somewhere or are just practical advice.
Healthy Conflict
"There are no two ways about it: where there is no conflict, neither is there love."
Aldo Carotenuto, Eros and Pathos (p. 95)
Conflict is a healthy part of any relationship. But how do we keep conflict from becoming destructive? Here are some helpful guidelines. This list is not original or exhaustive and may be found in most books on relationships, but these are some of the most important. Follow these and they will help you have healthy conflict.
Physical Violence
- Some would say it goes without saying that any kind of physical violence is inappropriate, but we say it anyway. Throwing things is not appropriate - for this sends a violent message. Even violent language towards someone else can send a message. Violently cussing the driver of the car in front of you in the presence of someone can reverberate negatively between you. Apologize immediately.
"I" and "You" Messages - Couch your sentences with "I" statements, e.g. "I feel disregarded when you don’t take out the trash," rather than, "You are not considerate of me." When we begin with a "You" statement, it automatically puts our partner on the defensive. They stop listening and start defending themselves. If you want your beloved to hear you, start with how you feel in "I" statements. Make sure and take full responsibility for your feeling: "I feel hurt because I interpret your not taking out the trash as not caring about me. That may not be what you mean, but that is how I feel." Ideally this will invite less defensive discussions.
Reflective or Active Listening
- This practice seems incredibly simple, but can be surprising helpful. Take turns listening to one another and reflecting back what the you think the other person is saying. We assume we understand what another person has said, but we all have mental filters that alter meanings. Say this: "You mean when I don’t take out the trash, it feels to you like I don’t care about you, is that right?" This gives the other person a chance to correct your interpretation, but most importantly, it shows that you are listening. Listening is an act of love.
Time Outs
- Calling a "time out" is appropriate. When an argument starts to get too heated and you feel you are about to say something you will regret or you fear that your partner might regret, call for a time out. There are rules to time outs. If you call a time out, do your best to set a time when you can come back to the discussion and then be the one to bring up the discussion once again. For example, if you say, "I think we need a time out. I promise we will talk about this in four hours," be sure to be the one to bring it up in four hours. Don’t "forget" about the four hour promise. You can step back, but don’t run away. If you have been asked to wait the fours hours, then leave the argument alone. It is a proven that calmer heads do prevail and make better decisions.
Together in Christ,
Stephen
