Relationship Advice

by Stephen Melton | June 2, 2009

For the month of June, I will be providing thoughts on relationships from different sources.

Dr. John Lentz

Sermon - Mark 1: 9-15

March 1, 2009

This past week I heard about an article in the New York Times titled. "What Shamu taught me about happy marriage." The writer of the article said that the trainers for Shamu the killer whale and the dolphins at sea world teach by ignoring the whale or dolphin when they are not doing what the trainer wants. By giving praise and attention for even going in the right direction, the trainers ultimately can teach complex tricks. Giving praise for going in the right direction even before the task is completed is called approximations.

....The writer realized that it works in relationships of all sorts. If we want our spouse, sister, brother etc to begin to behave differently when we use the same technique it is a lot more effective than only criticizing them when they don’t get it right. The criticism causes a person to get to the place of wanting to not care. It causes a person to become so demoralized they don’t see any point in continuing to go on. The positive reinforcement invites us to remain in relationship.

....The writer of the article successfully changed several behaviors of her husband that were unpleasant by using the techniques of large animal trainers. I know I read the article, because I was intrigued. It is easy enough to look up on the internet. The approach works for all relationships, including the one that is the most important, our relationship with our self toward God. When we treat ourselves at least as well as Shamu and are looking for signs of encouragement from God they are there. In fact, they are there all the time, but the criticism kept us from seeing them. When we are willing to look for the positive attention instead of hoping not to get the criticism we can receive it.

Together in Christ,